Thursday, February 21, 2008

Motherhood

It's official. I am really not a good mom. I am annoyed today that the daycare is closed, because four teachers have the flu or another illness...as well as quite a few of the kids...and as much as I don't want The Boy exposed to their germs, I am annoyed that I have to stay home with him! Rather than being happy to spend the time with The Boy, I am annoyed.

I really love my job. I enjoy going there, and even though it is busy and stressful in its own way, the place keeps me sane. I am definitely not meant to be a stay at home mom. I have all of the respect in the world for women who do it, but it is not me. For that matter, I am having a lot of wonderfully conflicting emotions about whether or not I should have had a child at all due to my love of my career.

Maybe I would feel differently if Kevin were around to pull his share of the weight (ha ha) in the childrearing. However, when I think back to what it was like during the first nine months, things really weren't that much different. Other than I could shower for longer than 3 minutes every other day. That was different. For the most part, all of the child care fell to me, and it still does, which brings me back to the initial dilemma-- why did I have a child in the first place? I would say "we," but let's face it. Kevin is overseas most of the year. I carried the child in my womb, and I am the primary caregiver in our family.

Don't get me wrong. I love The Boy with all my heart, and he is amazing, but if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now about Kevin's career and all that jazz, I wouldn't do it. I would have remained content with it being just the two of us. I definitely need to work past these feelings or it's going to be a LONG life!!!

3 comments:

KaritaG said...

Actually enjoying your career does not make you a bad mom, contrary to what society tells us.

I am a firm believer that whatever makes you the happiest, most loving mom you can be is what you should be doing, whether that is staying home or working.

Besides, have you ever checked out truemomconfessions.com? :) The SAHM's don't always seem to "enjoy" their children that much either. It's a give and take thing - sometimes you will like it more than others. I am sorry you are having this conflict so badly right now, but you will work through it and come to some sort of equilibrium that works for you, I know it.

Courtney said...

Oh Maria, I am so sorry. I hope that Kevin gets to come home soon, because being a single mom sucks on every level! I have no doubt for your love of Amari and I certainly don't think you are a bad mom. You are a great mom. And, when the way things are suppose to be (mom, dad, baby) are back, you'll see the difference (I hope). Loving your job isn't a bad thing at all. I think being a mom in general is hard, and I truly believe with all my heart that every mother at SOME point in their journey has felt that, most just don't admit it...I certainly have felt that way...I would have waited FOR.SURE. but the fact of the matter is you can't turn things around and you're "stuck" being his mom forever and that is a good thing...for both of you. Hang in there. I hope you get a break soon! Take care of yourself...

McCool said...

Hey Maria - I am with you, could never be a stay at home mom - I need the adult interaction to keep me sane! I love Mr. B., but I was home all day with him yesterday, and while it was great, it was also tiring - thank goodness for daycare! (oh, and people who will clean my house for me!).

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