Monday, March 10, 2008

Grief and Grieving

Most of you who visit my other blog know that my Grandpa died a little over a week ago. Before I left, a friend asked which stage of grief I was in. I told him I was numb in an acceptance kind of way. Looking back, I think I was somewhere undefined.

Several authors describe the stages slightly differently, but typically, there are seven stages of grief identified:

- Shock or Disbelief

- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

Honestly, I am not sure that I have gone through all of the stages, nor do I necessarily believe I will. I was not shocked when Grandpa died. I had seen him around Christmas time, and he was not doing well then. However, knowing it was coming does not make my heart ache less. I was not angry at God, the doctors or anyone for his death.

I did (and do) feel guilty for not going home on Tuesday/Wednesday like I had thought I might do. I felt even more guilt for not leaving on Friday. However, I think I suppress that feeling-- knowing that it was an impossible decision.

If anything, I'd say I am currently somewhere between the mildly depressed/sad stage and acceptance. (Keep in mind that this is not clinical depression, but a sadness.) I have read that depression can come and go throughout all stages of grief. I am sad that I won't see him interact with The Boy any more. I am sad that he isn't there to pray before meals. I am sad for my Grandma, because after 57 years of marriage, she is without her partner in life. My is heavy. I suspect I will feel like this for a while, and there will be good and bad times, but overall, I accept his death and must keep living life.

I have been absent...and this post reflects why. I'll be on to more controversial topics soon.


KaritaG said...

Great explanation...I am still thinking of you!

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